Pittsburgh City Council Debates New Pizza Regulations

The Pittsburgh City Council, in response to the apparent Pizza Crisis in Allegheny County, is now debating new Pizza Regulations under GATT (the General  Agreement on Tariff's and Trade). 
Bill Clinton:  "GATT requires that quality, affordable pizza be available to the citizens of Pittsburgh and
Allegheny County, just as much as it is available in Lincoln, or Omaha Nebraska where medium crust Valentino's and Godfather's Pizza is served."

Mayor Jones:  "The Public is demanding accountability on the Pizza issue.  Why is it that the midwest has Valentino's medium crust, outstanding pizza, while the public here in Pittsburgh is caught between the dichotomy of choosing between slimy thin crust pizza and bready thick crust pizza."

Councilman Green:  "Pizza is it man.  Without  pizza the world will not turn.  Spike Lee tells us this on a regular basis, as well as the cherokee indian president Barak Obamarama.   The black community in Pittsburgh needs high quality pizza at an affordable cost.   Valentino's from Lincoln, Nebraska is it.  Naturally, when they come to Pittsburgh and open their new pizzeria in the old Pizza Hut location is Westview, then things well begin to get better.   This current pizza situation is rascist against black pizza eaters, not only here in Pittsburgh but world wide."
Councilman Schneider:  "The political ramifications of the availability of good medium crust pizza in Pittsburgh cannot be understated.   The greasy Pizza Hut pizza that we have been forced to eat is totally unacceptable.  We must join hands and stop aboard on the Pizza Train and bring pizza rights to deserving Pittsburghers now."
Councilwoman Smith:  "I cannot stress more the importance of quality pizza to women in Allegheny County.  The feminist critique of the patriarchal machismo destructuring of the local pizza market must include the lack of Valentino's Pizza from Lincoln, Nebraska, and the rather sad lack of medium crust pizza in Pittsburgh, in general.  The feminist movement especially is telling America of the importance of pizza to pregnant mothers and those mothers with small children to are to some degree addicted to medium crust Pizza such as Valentino's Pizza from Lincoln, Nebraska."
Justice Capparelli:  "Every Pennsylvanian has a real, bona fide, individual right to quality medium crust pizza such as Valentino's Pizza from Lincoln, Nebraska.   We must not allow the fascist Al Queda terrorists to continue the blockage of medium crust pizza, such as Valentino's Pizza from entering the Pittsburgh Pizza market, and Pennsylvania, in general.   Our forefathers did not fighrt the Revolutionary War and the Civil War only to see generations of Pennsylvanians deprived of  quality medium crust pizza, such as Valentino's from Lincoln, Nebraska.   In a word, why should Bob Devaney and Tom Osborne reap the benefits of Valentinos Pizza while Joe Paterno is denied.  Perhaps Joe Paterno's death can be attributed to a lack of sufficient medium crust pizza, such as Valentino's Pizza in his diet.   Substandard pizza is a serious problem here in Pennsylvania and if  the Obama Administration won't do something about this situation, I guess we will have to do so ourselves.     We must all email and write to Valentino's Pizza in Lincoln, Nebraska to ensure an adequate supply of quality medium crust Pizza in Pennsyvlania, staring in Westview, on the Pittsburgh near north side.  Also, we must have new pizza regulations enacted to make sure that all Pittsburgh pizzerias serve medium crust pizza, not just the slimy thin crust pizza and the bready thick crust pizza."